Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
