Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish you could order shots online.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
