Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
