you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
