I'm going to jail i love you
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
