I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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