So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
