I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
that may or may not have been my penis.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
