Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
