Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Be still, my beating vagina.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
