I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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