I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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