If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
