Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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