i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
