the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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