I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im holly from the hills drunk
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
