i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
