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I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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