Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
