Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
