hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
