This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
