i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
