He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
