I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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