why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
