btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need a beard to bite.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
