We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Someone came in the potted fern
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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