Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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