You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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