Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
