those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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