I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
