do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
