you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
