He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
