I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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