Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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