not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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