marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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