3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Say something about gay babies.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
