Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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