The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
