someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
