who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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