if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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