My liver just broke up with me...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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