please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.