did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so let's talk penis.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
