I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
