i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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