Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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