Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
