It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
