Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
