I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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